Global Pandemic

All,

In response to the shocking Global Pandemic which has to date infected a total of 519 people (a staggering 0.0000008% of the world's population!) I feel it is extremely imperative that we follow these simple rules throughout the office.

1) Face to face communication should be halted now - all communication should be conducted by telephone (please ensure you use a tissue to cover the mouthpiece and use a fresh tissue each time).

2) Do not shake hands with customers - explain to them that this for their safety as much as ours and management.

3) Clients should be put into the boardroom with all meetings conducted through the glass partition - the glass is thin enough for you to be heard if you shout. At no point should you enter the boardroom with the client - all papers to be shared can be slid under the door.

4) As we feel face masks do not provide adequate protection we will be introducing full body suits for all employees and these are to be worn throughout the day.


5) To protect your work colleagues we are asking all employees to send their family away from home to ensure the spread of germs is contained. Due to cost constraints within the company we will not provide financial assistance for this. If this is not possible we will be erecting camp beds in the stock room for you so that you do not need to see your family and risk infected yourselves and management.

6) And, please do not forget that the usual rules continue to apply which will also help reduce the risk of infection: For example: kissing, hugging and love making is strictly forbidden on all work property as is smiling, laughing or any other forms of enjoyment.

Please note that these rules are in accordance with and ISO8008 (which provides guidelines to governments and industry on how to over-react and cause panic amongst citizens for no particular reason at all).

We appreciate all your help in ensuring Infotech can continue to function during these pressing times and ask that you report any staff who appear under weather to management so they can be removed from the premises and handed over to the military for testing.